Stopping the Bullying - Part 2

In Part 1 of this series, we identified from research that bullying is about power where the bully (abuser) considers the victim to be weaker, or to have less power. That is, it’s all about perceptions of power - who has it and who doesn’t. So to be successful at stopping bullying, it’s important to start with looking at our own adult attitudes to power.

This means thinking about your own attitudes towards the people, and social systems, in your life. Do you consider yourself helpless or vulnerable in relation to some people, like your boss, your parents or siblings, your partner, the government? If you fundamentally feel inferior to another person or a social system, you are more likely to be the victim of perceived bullying. Or if you fundamentally consider yourself better than “them”, you are more likely to express aggressive attitudes and possibly behaviours.

Now think about how you express these feelings of superiority or helplessness - do you withdraw from conversations where you could reveal your true feelings? Or behind closed doors, do you rage about “the system”? Either way, this fight-or-flight response is not helping the children to learn assertiveness skills, that is, that power is only perception and everyone has equal rights to respectfully voice their views and to be heard.

So, how do we help our children learn to communicate in a non-violent way? Here are some tips:

If your child is being bullied:

• · Talk openly and honestly with your children about power within our social systems - the government, the police, people in authority. Explain that these systems are set up to operate our society, to get things done, but they are still only made up of people who have feelings just like everyone else. Be a positive role model by showing respect for these systems and the purpose they serve. Doing this removes the perception of power we might think they have.
• · Acknowledge that being bullied can be frightening, and explain that this behaviour of the bully is often masking their own feelings of weakness because, like everyone, they are not perfect - many bullies actually feel weaker than their victims but mask it with aggressive posturing.
• · Highlight your child’s strengths and unique personal qualities. If your child is being bullied because of some feature selected by the bully (such as their height, weight, disability, ethnicity or whatever), remind them that the bully is only targeting one small part of the whole person that is your child, and help your child build their pride in their strengths and personal qualities.
• · Help your child learn to cope with fear. Life will present many experiences that trigger a fear reaction, which is perfectly natural when we believe we are under threat. However, by being able to quickly re-stabilise and activate coping skills, such as slowing the heartrate and getting out of retreat posture, we are signalling to the bully that the power imbalance has been corrected. Simple strategies such as standing tall, keeping eye contact with the bully, and speaking calmly can often defuse an attack.
• · Give your child many opportunities to build their self-confidence - sport, drama or self-defence classes, debating teams, and experiences outside their normal day-to-day lives such as holiday camps all help strengthen your child’s confidence as well as build a group of friends with shared interests.

If your child is bullying:

• · As above, talk openly with your child about bullying as a behaviour that overlays feelings of inferiority or superiority. Emphasise that all people have unique contributions to make to the world, and that we would have a kinder world if we kept our eyes wide open looking for the special gifts of every person in our lives and ways we can become better by learning from others.
• · Talk with your child about what is behind their aggressive behaviour - do they think bullying will help them to fit in, do they need attention or are they simply trying to figure out how to deal with complicated emotions?
• · Has your child also been a victim of bullying or abuse or witnessed violence at home or in their community? Have they gained the distorted belief that bullying behaviour gets their needs met? If your child has had such experiences, it’s important to help them deal with these events through therapy so they can learn more constructive ways of relating to other people.
• · Help your child learn more appropriate, non-violent ways to handle bad feelings such as frustration, inadequacy, or hurt. Don’t talk with them just about anger, but openly discuss ways to cope with all bad feelings. Teach them to understand the triggers for bad feelings (e.g. doing poorly in a test, being worried about a family situation, feeling excluded by their peers) and map out ways they could manage these bad feelings constructively.
• · Encourage your child to apologize to their peers (victims and bystanders) and find ways for them to be more inclusive in the future. Teach them that apologising is only one step, by making amends - acknowledging how their actions were hurtful and expressing remorse plus finding ways they can change their behaviour in the future - builds resistance to further bullying behaviours.

Dr Kate Lemerle, Psychologist

Chrysalis Counselling & Coaching, Norfolk Island

WEB: www.chrysaliswellnessservices.com

TEL: 52112 or email drkate@iinet.net.au