Life on the West Island - Deleted

Here is a real conversation overheard in one of the “big two” West Island supermarkets:

Customer: Excuse me, do you have in stock any of Cottee’s Pine Lime cordial?

Shop Assistant: Just a moment, I’ll check on our computer.

(She goes to the service desk and scrolls down the screen.)

Shop Assistant: It’s been deleted.

Customer: What do you mean by deleted?

Shop Assistant: We don’t sell it no more.

Customer: Why?

Shop Assistant: ‘Cos it’s deleted.

Deleted is the ugliest word in the supermarket vocabulary. If the big two “delete” an item from their stock lists, it is either because the manufacturer has ceased to produce it, or because it is assessed as being too slow to move off the shelves. Recently, Life on the West Island is beginning to believe that all the stars are aligned against us, with all too many of our favourite items “deleted” forever.

It all started a few months ago with cheese. Most West Islanders will have noticed that the prices of cheese slices in particular have escalated at an alarming rate. The packs of tasty Bega Super Slices we used to buy for $3.50 shot up to $6.25, then $8.00. Worse, they then disappeared from the shelves altogether, to be replaced by cheap and nasty generic plastic “cheese” slices at astronomical cost. Yes, our all-time favourite cheese slices had been deleted. Enquiries direct to Bega Group ascertained that their packs of 12, 24 and 48 slices had been discontinued, in favour of more boutique cheddars and exotic cheeses such as brie and camembert, sold at prices rivalling those of three bedroom villas in leafy suburbs. We shrugged our shoulders and decided that life could go on – less enjoyably than before, but still bearable.

Then came the second shock. We have enjoyed Cottee’s Pine Lime cordial since childhood. It has complemented many a happy children’s birthday party, and slaked our thirst in the blazing West Island summer after an exhausting game of cricket or a hot session of tedious lawn mowing. Our children and grandchildren have been brought up on it. But where is it now? Deleted!

We did have a spare stock of a few bottles, and on a recent interstate driving trip found three more precious bottles at a tiny corner store in a town more than five hours’ drive from the nearest capital city (and more than 100km from the next nearest settlement).

Now Cottee’s do make a huge range of cordials and we have tried them all, including Apple & Raspberry; Orange & Mango; Lemon Crush; and Fruit Cup – not to mention the Zero Sugar range. But none has the palatable semi-sweet tang of the deleted Pine Lime flavour. So cordials have disappeared off our shopping list and we now squeeze our own fresh fruit juice instead. It seems our favourite foods and drinks are conspiring against us.

Then this week came the really devastating news – Fantales have been deleted, despite being a family favourite and a must-have companion at movie theatres for over 90 years. News.com reported that Manufacturer Nestle announced last week that after nearly a century, Fantales would be discontinued. The decision was prompted by declining sales of the chocolate-covered caramels – famed for the movie star stories printed on the wrappers – and the need for significant and expensive upgrades in order to make the sweet at Nestle’s Melbourne confectionery factory.

Of course, Fantales were at their peak in the long-gone days of the double feature, when at half-time movie fans huddled together to read the purple prose about their favourite film stars from the wax-infused yellow wrappers – and consumed the delectable chocolate covered caramels inside.

In recent years, Fantales tried to go up-market with tales of more recent celebrities and movies:

WHO AM I?

Born in Sydney in 1964, she is well known as a model but is also a successful businesswoman. She was signed to a modelling agency during a trip to New York when she was studying law. She is known as “The Body” after her famous cover appearances on Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions…

WHAT MOVIE AM I?

American science fiction franchise which began as a novel in 1963. The 1968 film adaptation was a critical and commercial success and laid the foundation for 8 subsequent sequels and remakes with the most recent resulting in a 2014 blockbuster…

WHO AM I?

Born in Sydney in 1968, he pursued drama at the Western Australian Academy of Performing Arts. He has starred in a variety of musicals, gaining fame starring as Peter Allen in the long running “The Boy From Oz”…

(The first correct answer to these three questions will get a free packet of Fantales, to be served at the movie theatre of their choice – that is, if any packets of the deleted delicacy can be found.)

The death of Fantales is just too much! What next? Will Jaffas be deleted just because most cinemas no longer have wooden floors, eliminating the popular sport of Jaffa rolling which has entertained movie lovers for decades? The Sydney Morning Herald even speculated that favourites like Choo Choo Bars, Minties, lolly bananas and Red Skins may also be for the chop.

West Island life as we know it is under grave threat because of the plague of deletions. It’s time for us to rise up and fight for the restoration of our human rights to palatable cheese slices, tasty cordials and delectable sweets before it’s too late. Failure to act could mean that we are the next to be deleted.