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Thursday, August 15, 2019

Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realise the extent of his holdings.

As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property. "Property?" she replies. "No he had a window cleaning round."

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Thursday, August 08, 2019

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer and then he tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him reaching towards him with its left paw and raising the right paw to strike.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped ... The bear froze ...... The forest was silent ....

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?" "Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light.

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?" ... a pause ... "Very well," said the voice ...

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed, the bear dropped his right arm, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke.

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive. Amen."

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Hilli Restaurant and Cafe ... ph +67 23 24270

Thursday, August 01, 2019

Hours: Open 7 days a week for devonshire Teas from 10am . Lunch 12-2pm . Dinner from 6pm

Phone: + 6723 24270

The famous Hilli Restaurant is popular with both locals and visitors. Hilli offers a relaxed atmosphere with fine food and excellent service. Take in the natural wood interior or dine in the open tropical gardens. Make sure you don't miss the Hilli experience!!!

Situated next to Cyclorama on Queen Elizabeth Avenue, in front of the Pitcairn Settlers Village.

To view a larger map The Hilli Lounge of Norfolk Island, please "Click here".

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The Elderly

Thursday, August 01, 2019

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,

'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

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Thursday, July 25, 2019

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

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Where did intelligence come from?

Thursday, July 18, 2019

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

'Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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Tradition of the little Angel

Thursday, July 11, 2019

One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems... everywhere.

Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.

After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem and absolutely furious. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.

The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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Thursday, July 04, 2019

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time so you don’t have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.


Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

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Thursday, June 27, 2019

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me.

I gave her a loving smile and said,


"Get that trolley over here, Love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2 !!"



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Thursday, June 20, 2019

Just imagine....If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Air New Zealand one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in the AA one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Canterbury Finance one year ago,you would have $0.00 today..

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00..

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the Kiwi Saver-Keg.

A recent study found that the average Kiwi walks about 900 miles a year.. Another study found that Kiwis drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year
That means that, on average, Kiwis get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be a Kiwi!! 

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