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Food Challenge

A sign on the window of a restaurant says" We will give you $1,500.00 if we fail to fill your order.' Customer decides to put the policy to the test by ordering elephant's ears on rye.

The waitress takes his order to the kitchen. Seconds later, the owner comes out of the kitchen, goes to the customer's table and slams down $1,500.00 on the table.

'You got me,' he tells the customer, but I want you to know that this is the first time we've been out of rye bread.'

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A Bank Inspector

When a bank inspector called on a small country branch for a surprise audit, he found the banking chamber deserted and the staff drinking beer in the manager's office. To teach them a lesson, he crept behind the counter and set off the hold-up alarm. Much to his surprise, a barman from the pub next door came running into the bank bearing a tray of fresh beers. 

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An Aetheist In The Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees!' 'What powerful rivers!' What beautiful animals!' he said to himself. Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned around and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. The atheist ran as fast as he could away from the grizz. He looked over his shoulder only to see the grizz was getting nearer. He again looked over his shoulder only to see the grizz almost upon him.

And then, he tripped and fell. On trying to recover, the grizz reached forward with his left paw ready to strike. At that instant, the atheist cried out: 'OH MY GOD!'

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent

A bright light shone down on the dis-believer and a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I do not exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of your predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the GRIZZ a Christian?'…… a pause ……

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the grizz dropped his paw.

The grizz then bought both his paws together, bowed his head and softly spoke.


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Alchol Abuse

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

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The Pearly Gates

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a Loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so That I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom Of Heaven ? '

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the Pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and Staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms Out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary'sfor the last 43 Years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a Pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get Only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When You preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

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Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris, 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. 
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.   This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time  and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from  the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'   EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it, as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;  'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

 And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

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Who is the father?

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the milkman dead on the porch.

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Scottish Blood in the Veins

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ’s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

Couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".

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What do you know about God?

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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Old Age

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. 

"I am afraid it's just old age", replied the doctor, "there is nothing we can do about it." 

"That can't be" fumed the old man, "you don't know what you are doing." 

"How can you possibly know I am wrong?" countered the doctor.

"Well it's quite obvious," the old man replied, "my other leg is fine, and it's the exact same age!"

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