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Where did intelligence come from?

Thursday, July 18, 2019


A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

'Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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Tradition of the little Angel

Thursday, July 11, 2019


One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems... everywhere.

Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.

After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem and absolutely furious. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.

The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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SAYINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

Thursday, July 04, 2019


If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.


Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.


Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.


A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.


Plagiarism saves time.


If at first you don’t succeed, try management.


Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.


TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.


Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.


The beatings will continue until morale improves.


Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.


We waste time so you don’t have to.


Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!


Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.


A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.


When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.


INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.


Succeed in spite of management.


Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

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WALKING DOWN THE AISLE

Thursday, June 27, 2019


I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.


My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.


It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me.


I gave her a loving smile and said,

 

"Get that trolley over here, Love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2 !!"

 

                                    

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FINANCIAL ADVICE THE KIWI WAY

Thursday, June 20, 2019


Just imagine....If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Air New Zealand one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in the AA one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Canterbury Finance one year ago,you would have $0.00 today..

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00..

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the Kiwi Saver-Keg.

A recent study found that the average Kiwi walks about 900 miles a year.. Another study found that Kiwis drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year
That means that, on average, Kiwis get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be a Kiwi!! 

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LISTENING TO THE GROUND ... by Jo Greig

Thursday, June 13, 2019


Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

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THE OLD MAN AT THE TRUCK STOP

Thursday, June 06, 2019


An old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a motorcycle gang walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spilt his milk into his lap and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over his entire plate and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles".

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POLICE STOP DRIVER

Thursday, May 30, 2019


Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

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BROKEN LAWN MOWER

Thursday, May 23, 2019


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.


When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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UNDER THE BRIDGE

Thursday, May 16, 2019


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." 

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