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More Nudity

Thursday, February 21, 2019


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.


When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

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It's all in the Job

Thursday, February 14, 2019


At a local bar in downtown Wakefield. The owner and bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing £1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to the patron.

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

He sat down, ordered a glass of draft and started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok,"

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence. As the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his £1,000 and then asked little man:

"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied:

Wait for it ! ! ! !  "I work for The Inland Revenue."

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Police

Thursday, February 07, 2019


While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,

'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.

'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

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Serenity

Thursday, January 31, 2019


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked...

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure

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Not all is losted

Thursday, January 24, 2019


I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, I still have my driver's license.

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Ketchup

Thursday, January 17, 2019


A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. It was the minister calling. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

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Opinions

Thursday, January 10, 2019


On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

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Nudity

Thursday, January 03, 2019


I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

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Doctor's Permission

Thursday, December 27, 2018


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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It's Time

Thursday, December 20, 2018


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

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