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Don't talk to my parrot

Thursday, April 18, 2019


Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."


"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"


When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.


The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.


Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"


To which the parrot replied,

"Get him Spike!"

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STANDARD PROCEDURE ... by Ken Hargrave

Thursday, April 11, 2019


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,'
he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. 

It's an experimental procedure, very risky,
but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure,
but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. 

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a time, someone asked,
'How much will a brain cost?' 

The doctor quickly responded,
'$5,000 for a male brain;
$200 for a female brain.' 

The moment turned awkward. 

Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. 
A man unable to control his curiosity,
finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?' 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, '
It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'


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Child Rearing

Thursday, April 11, 2019


A friend once complained to my sister about the difficulties contained in child rearing, especially the lack of peace and quiet rest.

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," my sister suggested.

So my sister's friend bought a playpen. A few days later, my sister called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," she replied. "I get in the pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!" 

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This story is perfectly logical to all males:

Thursday, April 04, 2019


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

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Bible

Thursday, March 28, 2019


A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

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School

Thursday, March 21, 2019


A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

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Dress Up

Thursday, March 14, 2019


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

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SAYINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

Thursday, March 07, 2019


If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.


Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.


Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.


A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.


Plagiarism saves time.


If at first you don’t succeed, try management.


Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.


TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.


Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.


The beatings will continue until morale improves.


Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.


We waste time so you don’t have to.


Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!


Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.


A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.


When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.


INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.


Succeed in spite of management.


Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

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9 Words women use

Thursday, February 28, 2019


(1). Fine:

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


(2) Five Minutes:

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing:

This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead:

This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


(5) Loud Sigh:

This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


(6) That's Okay:

This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks:

A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').


(8) Whatever:

Is a women's way of saying a really bad word.


(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:

Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


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More Nudity

Thursday, February 21, 2019


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.


When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

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