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A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. It was the minister calling. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

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On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

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I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

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Doctor's Permission

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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It's Time

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

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The Lighter Side of Retirement.....Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

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68 and Pregnant

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Thank Heaven we have a Navy

A sergeant is addressing his squad (which consists of twenty-seven men) and said, 'I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here; put up your hands if you are the laziest!'

Twenty-six men raise their hands.

The sergeant then addresses the man who didn't put up his hands, 'Why didn't you put up your hands like the rest of them?'

The odd man out replied, 'Too much trouble raising my hands serge."

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Family Court Ruling from Queensland, Australia.

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a court room drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the NSW State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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Food Challenge

A sign on the window of a restaurant says" We will give you $1,500.00 if we fail to fill your order.' Customer decides to put the policy to the test by ordering elephant's ears on rye.

The waitress takes his order to the kitchen. Seconds later, the owner comes out of the kitchen, goes to the customer's table and slams down $1,500.00 on the table.

'You got me,' he tells the customer, but I want you to know that this is the first time we've been out of rye bread.'

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