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Thursday, June 20, 2019

Just imagine....If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Air New Zealand one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in the AA one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Canterbury Finance one year ago,you would have $0.00 today..

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00..

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the Kiwi Saver-Keg.

A recent study found that the average Kiwi walks about 900 miles a year.. Another study found that Kiwis drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year
That means that, on average, Kiwis get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be a Kiwi!! 

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Thursday, June 13, 2019

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

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Thursday, June 06, 2019

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a motorcycle gang walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spilt his milk into his lap and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over his entire plate and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles".

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Thursday, May 30, 2019

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

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Thursday, May 23, 2019

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Thursday, May 16, 2019

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." 

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Thursday, May 09, 2019

L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.

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Thursday, May 02, 2019

A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven. Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.

The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."

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What a Predicament

Thursday, April 25, 2019

An older man lived alone. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who normally helped him, was in prison. During his usual correspondence with his son, the father wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly he received a reply, "Please Dad, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the evidence!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police appeared in the father's garden and began to dig up the entire garden, without finding any evidence.

Confused, the older man wrote another note to his son telling him what had occurred and asking for an explanation. His son replied, "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

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Don't talk to my parrot

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him Spike!"

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