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The Lighter Side of Retirement.....Why I Like Retirement!


Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.


Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

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68 and Pregnant


A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.


An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.


"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"


The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,


"Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Thank Heaven we have a Navy


A sergeant is addressing his squad (which consists of twenty-seven men) and said, 'I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here; put up your hands if you are the laziest!'


Twenty-six men raise their hands.


The sergeant then addresses the man who didn't put up his hands, 'Why didn't you put up your hands like the rest of them?'


The odd man out replied, 'Too much trouble raising my hands serge."

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Family Court Ruling from Queensland, Australia.


A seven year old boy was at the centre of a court room drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.


The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.


When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.


After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the NSW State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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Food Challenge


A sign on the window of a restaurant says" We will give you $1,500.00 if we fail to fill your order.' Customer decides to put the policy to the test by ordering elephant's ears on rye.


The waitress takes his order to the kitchen. Seconds later, the owner comes out of the kitchen, goes to the customer's table and slams down $1,500.00 on the table.

'You got me,' he tells the customer, but I want you to know that this is the first time we've been out of rye bread.'

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A Bank Inspector


When a bank inspector called on a small country branch for a surprise audit, he found the banking chamber deserted and the staff drinking beer in the manager's office. To teach them a lesson, he crept behind the counter and set off the hold-up alarm. Much to his surprise, a barman from the pub next door came running into the bank bearing a tray of fresh beers. 

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An Aetheist In The Woods


An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees!' 'What powerful rivers!' What beautiful animals!' he said to himself. Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned around and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. The atheist ran as fast as he could away from the grizz. He looked over his shoulder only to see the grizz was getting nearer. He again looked over his shoulder only to see the grizz almost upon him.


And then, he tripped and fell. On trying to recover, the grizz reached forward with his left paw ready to strike. At that instant, the atheist cried out: 'OH MY GOD!'

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent


A bright light shone down on the dis-believer and a voice came out of the sky.


'You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I do not exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of your predicament?'


'Am I to count you as a believer?'


The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the GRIZZ a Christian?'…… a pause ……


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the grizz dropped his paw.


The grizz then bought both his paws together, bowed his head and softly spoke.


'LORD, BLESS THIS FOOD, WHICH I'M ABOUT TO RECEIVE.'

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Alchol Abuse


An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

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The Pearly Gates


A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a Loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so That I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom Of Heaven ? '

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the Pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and Staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms Out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary'sfor the last 43 Years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a Pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get Only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When You preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

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Retired Husband


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.


Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:
  
Dear Mrs. Harris, 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. 
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 
  
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.   This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time  and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from  the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'   EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it, as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
  
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;  'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

 And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
     
One of the clerks passed out.

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